Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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