Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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