We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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