The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
