The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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