he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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