Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
