i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
