my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I wish there were birth control emojis
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
