Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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