Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
