Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
