i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
