I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So much rum. So many feels.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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