Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
