i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
