Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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