can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize