I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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