I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i think we sleep fucked last night...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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