Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
