Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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