happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
