before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
