I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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