I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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