so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I could make wine with my vomit
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
