Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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