when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
