I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
