I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize