okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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