I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
