My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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