dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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