Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
