I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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