I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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