I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
