you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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