I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
