She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
