your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
