made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
