No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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