She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
