I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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