You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
