Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
