grandma shit on top of the toilet
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize