I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
