last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
