It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
