My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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