Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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