My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
