Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
