thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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