I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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